Fade to Black Part One

One of my greatest fears is going blind. I mean, almost everything in our daily lives requires sight. Think about it for a minute--what are your favorite activities? Mine are reading, crafting (too many things there to list), watching TV shows and movies with my family, more crafting, sewing--well, you get the idea. And each of those activities requires vision.

It doesn't help that I watched the struggle as my grandmother went blind from diabetes. I had an uncle that also lost his sight, also as a result of diabetes.

But I don't have diabetes, so I didn't think I needed to worry.

Yeah, right.

A few years ago I went to the optometrist to get new glasses. He did the exam, started writing up the 'scrip for the new glasses, and then started talking about the results of the visual exam. Turns out I had cataracts, very small and mild, but would probably need cataract surgery, several years down the road. And then he mentioned something called Fuch's Dystrophy, but gave no further information. Since he didn't elaborate, I didn't really worry until I got home and wondered exactly what he was talking about. So I did what anyone in this digital information age would do--I Googled it,

I did not like what I found.

In a nutshell, Fuch's Dystrophy (quit laughing--it's pronounced Fook's!) is an eye disease, frequently inherited, where the cells lining the inner surface of the cornea starts to die off. These cells help maintain the proper amount of fluid in the eyeball, and they don't regenerate or replace as they die. As more and more of the layer, or endothelium, is damaged, the pressure builds up in the eye, and vision is distorted.

It's more common in women than in men, and patients usually start to see symptoms in their 50's or 60's. However, the disease frequently starts much earlier, sometimes when the patient is in their 20's. The bad news is, worst case scenario, patients go blind. The good news--well, there's not a lot of good news. Not everyone goes blind, but that's because they die before the disease progresses to that stage. Each person is different and there's no way to tell how quickly the disease will progress, so no timetable of "how much time you've got." It's incurable, and really, according to most of what I've read, the only treatments are medication to reduce the symptoms, or transplant surgery, either cornea or cornea lining transplant.

I stewed on this for a couple of years, and realized that a lot of the vision problems I've had were related, or actually, symptoms, of Fuch's Dystrophy. Why my vision would change during the day--I'd see better mid-day, but mornings and evenings began to blur. Why I wore sunglasses almost every time I got in the car in daytime, even on grey, overcast days. Why I liked to have the lights on in the house during the day, but doing so didn't always make it easier to see.

And why, sometimes, I actually didn't see things I should.

And just maybe, why I wasn't able to keep the last two jobs I had, because I couldn't see well enough to be accurate. I just didn't realize it at the time.


A few months ago I went to the optometrist again for new glasses. He asked if he'd mentioned the
Fuch's Dystrophy last time, and we talked more about it. It's obviously worse than it was the first time, and he suggested I find a specialist. Which I can't do until my benefits kick in on my new job, and even then I don't know how much the insurance will cover.

 I've reached the point where reading isn't as fun as it used to be, because I never know if I'll be able to see. Most of the time, I read on my Kindle now so I can make the print larger. If I read books or the newspaper, or try do do anything on my phone or computer, I have what I call my "computer glasses." Really, they are just reading glasses with a 2.5 magnification I purchased at Costco a couple of months ago.

I may have to move up to 3.0X.


Today hasn't been a good day. I tried to read the newspaper, and my eyes felt--off. I can't really explain how they felt, other than just really, really tired; not really burning, but just off. Usually eyedrops will help, but today they did nothing. And I have no one to talk to, no one that understands what I'm going through. My husband, kids, and dad try to be sympathetic, but I hate to complain to them and even when I do, they don't understand. Not only that, but getting upset or emotional, crying, even elevated blood pressure, can all make symptoms worse. If I talk about it, I'll cry, and then I won't be able to see which will make me more upset and emotional.

Cue the emotional roller coaster, right?


So, I'm here. I don't expect anyone to read this, but I need someplace to whine, complain, and feel sorry for myself occasionally so I can kick myself in the backside, pick myself up by the bootstraps, and get back in the game.

Sorry, Blogger.com, you've become my cheap therapist.